


boys don't cry

by babelincoln



Series: boys don't cry (au) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, M/M, Slow Burn, i mean its only 9k words but slowburn still, the yutae is secondary but there's a fair amount of it in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22669834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babelincoln/pseuds/babelincoln
Summary: “anyway, i kind of wanted to ask you for a favour.” he says. for some reason, jaehyun begins to feel a little nervous; as though a part of him knows what’s coming and is refusing to tell the rest. “if that’s okay, i mean.”jaehyun looks at johnny, face serious, and thinks to himself that he’d do just about anything for him. it’s an intense thought to have, and one he’s scared to voice, so instead he just says; “what’s up?”“i don’t want to start university without my first kiss.” he says, looking at jaehyun with telltale eyes, begging him not to make him ask the rest of the question. jaehyun understands loud and clear anyway.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta
Series: boys don't cry (au) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1637437
Comments: 35
Kudos: 224





	boys don't cry

**I.**

they meet in elementary school. jaehyun’s eight, sat on the gravel of the playground with his legs in a w, sniffling and reminding himself, for what already seems like the thousandth time in his life, that his dad said boys don’t cry. (his dad had also told him to stop sitting with his legs in a w, however, so it’s not as if he had a precedent of listening to him yet.) his friends had fallen out with him over something stupid that had happened in class that morning, and jaehyun was alone. alone until a hand stretches out in front of his face.

“are you okay?” asks johnny, who’s ten, two grades above him and impossibly tall already. jaehyun hadn’t truly met him before, just seen him around school- he supposes that when you see a crying eight year old, it’s a ten year old’s duty to check in on them. “do you want to come play with us?”

with a sniffling nod, jaehyun goes with johnny and meets taeyong and yuta- the first of whom gives him a shy smile, as the latter raises his eyebrows.

“you want us to play with a baby?” yuta asks.

“i’m not a baby!” jaehyun combats, crossly, and yuta laughs, patting his shoulder and assuring him he was just kidding. 

they launch into a game of power rangers and for the first time in his life, nobody snickers when jaehyun asks to be the yellow one- in fact, taeyong excitedly chooses pink, grabbing his wrist and pulling him out of johnny and yuta’s earshot to plot some convoluted storyline for them to act out. jaehyun is still a little wary of the new faces, but when his eyes wander over to johnny and yuta, trying to copy the martial art moves from the tv show, johnny catches his gaze and gives him an encouraging smile with a thumbs up, and something about it comforts jaehyun to the core.

* * *

**II.**

he learns soon after that taeyong lives in the apartment building next to his, and they have so many similar interests that they begin to hang out on an almost daily basis, even after school. being with taeyong all the time means having johnny around really often, and yuta too- although he lives further away, so that’s reliant on his parents giving him a ride.

taeyong’s nice. he and his sister share a bedroom, which means that they share all of their stuff. she’s older, and taeyong’s kind of getting too old for toys, but they still have them. jaehyun worries about playing with them, and taeyong shrugs his shoulders and tells jaehyun ‘if you worry about being too old, you’ll never have any fun,’ and then pushes forward the plotline of the serial drama they’d built for taeyong’s barbies and action figures. barbie number four has just pushed her husband, batman off a cliff. (but it’s okay, he assures, it’s actually batman’s evil twin... taeyong’s _other_ batman action figure.) 

“does johnny play barbies with you?” jaehyun asks. taeyong gives him a curious look, and jaehyun shrugs.

“nah.” taeyong says, trying to pin barbie number four’s hair up in a style more suitable for a funeral. for some reason, jaehyun deflates at the news. but then taeyong smiles wickedly. “he’s way more into bratz.” 

jaehyun beams.

* * *

**III.**

jaehyun’s nine, and he’s honestly not mad at yuta for literally destroying his life. except maybe he is. 

the jongin phase had been short but thrilling, and something about the excited willingness with which taeyong had accepted jaehyun’s crush on johnny’s family friend had caused jaehyun to get carried away with things. he’d never been so infatuated in his life, not with anybody he didn’t just know from tv. every time he saw jongin, his heart would beat so fast he felt like his chest was going to cave in, his palms clamming up, his tongue feeling way too big for his mouth. 

he and taeyong had been laying head to toe in jaehyun’s bed, meant to be sleeping but actually sharing secrets, like they always did. taeyong drew the information out of jaehyun after jaehyun had denied a little too vehemently that he had a crush. admitting jongin’s name felt like the tensest he’d ever been- like he was laying himself flat out for taeyong to reject him, tell him it was wrong, tell him to pick a girl instead.

“oh my god.” taeyong had simply said, before sitting up straight and looking jaehyun dead in the eye, staring for a few seconds. and then a few more. and just as the anxiety felt like it was going to eat jaehyun alive, taeyong nodded his head. 

“i can get you jongin.” he said.

jaehyun had thrown a stuffed animal at taeyong’s face and told him to shut up, just relieved that his best friend didn’t suddenly hate him. 

it’s not until a few weekends later, johnny’s birthday party, when he sits in a circle with johnny and taeyong and yuta, a handful of johnny’s classmates and soccer friends, and kim jongin. and kim jongin is sitting opposite jaehyun and he’s spinning the bottle.

it twirls twice before it slows to a halt, pointing directly at jaehyun. jaehyun freezes. 

“you can respin.” laughs a member of the soccer team, and jaehyun thanks his stars for him. and it looks like jongin is about to do just that, too, but yuta pipes up.

“you don’t have to.” he cuts in, and jaehyun sees taeyong’s head snap around to glare at their friend, and suddenly he’s filled with cold, primal dread as he realises his secret has been shared. taeyong’s elbow cuts sharply into yuta’s side, but yuta pretends not to notice. “i’m sure jaehyun wouldn’t mind.”

yuta’s encouraging look makes jaehyun know he’s not trying to be mean, but the circle erupts in snickers, and humiliation sets deeply into jaehyun. as the kids all start to laugh, yuta’s face drops, seemingly understanding what he’s just done. jaehyun dares to look at jongin- and his smirk is the tipping point. hot tears burn his eyes, and he picks the empty soda bottle from inside the circle and throws it across the room, snapping onto his feet and running out of the party. he grabs his shoes from the door and runs out of johnny’s apartment, ignoring johnny’s mom’s concerned exclamation. he gets three floors down, shoes still in his hands, before he crumbles. and then he sits in the stairwell, burying his face in his hands, and sobs. 

“jaehyun?” comes a voice moments later, and jaehyun whips around to see johnny, looking concerned. 

“sorry.” jaehyun croaks, trying to wipe his tears away as if they’re not still actively falling. johnny sits down next to him, bumping their shoulders together.

“do you like boys?” johnny asks. “is that what yuta meant?” 

jaehyun’s hands begin to shake, but if two out of three of his friends already know, he sees no harm in letting johnny in on it too. his face finding itself back in his hands, he nods. there’s no reaction for a while, and then he feels johnny’s arm wrap around his shoulders, pulling him into his side in half of a hug. jaehyun falls apart even more at that, collapsing into sobs in johnny’s arms.

“oh, jaehyun...” johnny says soothingly, running a hand up and down his arm. 

and for some reason, johnny’s acceptance means more to him than anybody else’s.

* * *

**IV.**

the seoul summer is in full cycle, and jaehyun’s window flung open is no match for the sun beating down on him as he lays spread out against his carpet, trying his best not to die in the heat. 

johnny, who tells him not to be dramatic, is sitting on jaehyun’s bed and eating his eighth popsicle of the afternoon, hand spread out below his chin, fearful of jaehyun’s warning of what would happen were any of the raspberry treat to drip and stain his bedsheets. 

“ten.” johnny throws out. 

jaehyun thinks about it for a second, before shaking his head. “nah. he’s too short.”

“you’re short.” says johnny with a scoff. jaehyun gives him the finger, a nasty habit he has picked up from yuta, and one that helps him feel a little less like the baby of the pack, the last of them to hit double digits, the last of them still in elementary school. “okay... park chanyeol.”

jaehyun makes a face. “like from downstairs?” he asks. johnny makes a noise of confirmation, through a mouthful of ice cream. jaehyun makes even more of a face. “no, i would not kiss park chanyeol. he’s like, thirty-seven.” 

johnny laughs. “he’s seventeen!”

“same thing.” jaehyun mutters. “i’m eleven. i’d be very concerned if he wanted to kiss me.”

johnny hums in agreement, before sitting back, flinging his popsicle stick in jaehyun’s trash can (“you’re lucky it landed this time.” jaehyun warns.) and then falling into deep thought. jaehyun doesn’t question it- he and taeyong were rarely quiet by choice, always finding something to gossip about or some inside joke to fall deep down the rabbit hole of. but with johnny, they could often sit in comfortable silence, simply enjoying each other’s company.

“yuta.” johnny finally speaks up. jaehyun gives it some serious thought.

“no.” he says. “because i’ve seen what yuta eats.”

when johnny doesn’t laugh, jaehyun turns his head to look at him, puzzled. johnny’s face looks serious, staring right at him. “taeyong?” johnny asks. 

jaehyun blinks, suddenly feeling a little too much like he’s being quizzed. “well,” he answers hesitantly. “i kiss taeyong all the time-“

“not like cheeks and foreheads.” johnny interrupts. “that’s not the game.”

“okay...” jaehyun sits up straight, head tilting slightly as johnny continues to stare at him, eyes blank and face serious. “no, then. or like, yes, but not in a dating way.” 

“what about m-“ johnny starts, but jaehyun’s mom pops her head through the door. 

“johnny, dear.” she says, oblivious to the weird tension hanging in the air. “your mom’s on the phone.” 

johnny takes the call in the hallway, and jaehyun is left to sit on his floor (legs in a w) wondering what on earth was going on. 

* * *

**V.**

“are you sure you know what you’re doing?” taeyong asks nervously. 

“i mean.” says jaehyun. “i’m following the instructions on the box.”

“he’s totally winging it, ty.” johnny teases, eyes fixed on taeyong’s computer screen- two word documents open, one containing taeyong’s finished book report and another with johnny’s half finished one, changed just enough to not look plagiarised. “he’s gonna have you with bright orange hair.”

taeyong makes a nervous noise, and jaehyun frowns. “you could help, you know.” he points out, painting the peroxide onto taeyong’s hair. taeyong shakes his head as hard as he can without causing jaehyun to mess up.

“no, no, no, john suh is coming absolutely nowhere near my head with bleach.” he says firmly, before fishing into his hoodie pocket for his phone, sighing to see no messages. “where is yuta anyway? he knows how to do this. he’s been helping his mom dye her hair since he was like five.”

jaehyun shoots johnny a knowing look, and johnny just smirks, taeyong too preoccupied to notice. 

* * *

**VI.**

“i don’t know if i want to throw up or just straight up die.” says johnny, eyeing the way yuta and taeyong kiss one another as if it is their last day on earth. jaehyun is fourteen now, and he’s no longer short. in fact, he’s taller than taeyong _and_ yuta now, though johnny still seems head and shoulders above him. impossibly tall. so tall that sometimes jaehyun gets mad about it. 

his stomach twists slightly, and he knows better by now than to mistake johnny’s distaste for public display of affection for disapproval of affection between their two male friends in general. jaehyun had been the first to come out, after all, and johnny had still stood by him, even now, jaehyun in junior high and johnny in high school, and it feels like a lifetime since jaehyun had actually gone to school with his friends; who knew two years could be such a horrible barrier. they made time for each other though, like now- autumn air kind of chilly, but they’re warm enough still from their basketball game that they sit without jacket or sweater, palms scuffing against the ground as they lean back, tired. johnny had kicked jaehyun’s ass for the fourth time in a row, and jaehyun misses when he was still babied by everyone and allowed to win everything. 

it had long since become one on one, taeyong and yuta breaking away mere minutes into the first game. they think themselves hidden behind a tree just off from the public basketball court, but a mother had already hurried her sons away and given the pair a particularly unkind look. ‘you think that’s gonna turn them gay?’ jaehyun wishes he could have shouted. ‘if they’re gonna be gay they’re already fucking gay’ he wants to scream. but he doesn’t, because he isn’t even brave enough to come out to his own parents, never mind berate homophobes in public. 

“i think it’s sweet.” he says of his friends, and it comes out harshly and dismissively. maybe because he’s feeling kind of defensive after witnessing the woman’s disapproval, and even if it’s rooted in a different soil, he’s not particularly interested in hearing johnny’s either. johnny must hear that in his tone, as he goes weirdly silent. jaehyun still isn’t calm though, and he takes it out on someone he can be brave around. “what, you don’t kiss _sooyoung_ in public? you think people would have as big an issue with _that_?”

johnny looks surprised, upset to be put on the spot, and upset by the implications of jaehyun’s words. sooyoung was a cheerleader, born in the year between jaehyun and his friends, and a few months ago johnny had started dating her and jaehyun had heard from taeyong. he thinks that’s why he has such a visceral dislike of her without her ever doing anything wrong. he came out to johnny at _nine_ , and johnny can’t even tell him he’s got a girlfriend? 

“you know that’s not-” johnny cuts himself off with a frustrated scoff. “whatever. if you wanna go in one of your moods, fine. i always forget what a sore loser you are.” he says, picking the basketball up and shooting it against the tree, missing yuta’s head, pressed up against the bark, by mere centimetres. he enters good spirits again at their indignant cries, and he tells them to get their shit cause it’s time to go get coffee. 

jaehyun looks at him and thinks ‘it’s not the game i lost.’ and then he asks himself what that means.

* * *

**VII.**

jaehyun is still fourteen, and in fact it's the very same day, and he’s already showered off the effort of playing basketball all day when he hears his mother answering the door down the hall. 

“jaehyun,” she calls.

johnny is waiting in the doorway, his mother already invited him inside and his shoes already off and neatly tucked into the family shoe rack- jaehyun is an only child, and there’s three spaces left for each of his friends at all times. as of a year ago, he’s had friends longer than he had none, and he kind of wishes his parents would stop celebrating it as if it was some big accomplishment. our son is no longer a loser, hurrah. 

“i’m sorry.” says johnny, and jaehyun has almost forgotten what he would have to be sorry about. “for snapping at you earlier.”

jaehyun blinks. and then he says “no, you don’t have to be sorry. i started it. sorry for being moody.” 

they smile at one another awkwardly for a few seconds, before johnny nods, already turning back to the shoe rack. jaehyun laughs fondly as he realises johnny came all the way over just to apologise when it was jaehyun in the wrong the whole time. “johnny.” he stops him from kicking his shoes back on, a hand resting on johnny’s shoulder, atop the crinkly material of his puffer jacket. autumn was much harsher in the night time, and there was no post-basketball adrenaline release to keep them warm. “do you have to go straight home, or do you wanna watch a movie or something first?”

“i have time for a movie.” he says.

they lay on jaehyun’s bed as usual, heads and tails, jaehyun one way and johnny the other. halfway through the movie, johnny’s middle finger finds the back of jaehyun’s hand, tracing patterns over the bumps of his ligaments. jaehyun doesn’t ask what he’s doing and johnny doesn’t tell him either.

* * *

**VIII.**

“poor johnny.” sighs yuta, smoking a cigarette out of his bedroom window. he offers a draw to jaehyun, who shakes his head. his dad had told him all the usual horror stories about smoking cigarettes, hairy tongues, blackened lungs, et cetera. perhaps for that very reason, fourteen year old jaehyun would have accepted yuta’s offer. but by fifteen, he has stopped crying so much and it aches his legs to sit with them in the shape of a w, and it’s not like it’s a conscious effort to listen to his dad, so much as his rules just seeming easier to follow.

(that, and a few months after he had been scarred with all the lovecraftian perils that would be his destiny were he to even look at a cigarette, jaehyun’s grandmother had passed away. and his dad had found solace, for the fourth or fifth time in jaehyun’s life, in tobacco once more. jaehyun had attempted to relay the tales, but his dad had interrupted and said “i’m already fucked.”) 

“poor _johnny_ ?” asks taeyong in an incredulous voice, tinny over the loudspeaker of yuta’s phone. “he was laughing, yuta. sooyoung told me he _laughed.”_

“he does that.” yuta scoffs with a wave of his hand. “you know how he gets. he was nervous.”

jaehyun remembers three years ago, when yuta attempted to skateboard down the railing at the park stairway. he had fallen early on, tumbling down a set of about eighteen steps- a cut on his forehead bleeding so profusely that at first, he, taeyong and johnny had thought his skull was split open. taeyong screamed, jaehyun found himself completely frozen, and johnny had barked out a laugh. there was nothing slapstick about yuta’s fall. and so yuta is right, jaehyun thinks. he does that. 

“she sounded humiliated.” taeyong says. yuta takes a drag and lets out a particularly laboured exhale, to which taeyong exclaims: “are you smoking right now!?” 

jaehyun silently listens to the couple argue though the phone (taeyong attempts to ask him why he’s “letting” yuta smoke, but yuta saves him with “don’t bring the baby into this!” because even after all this time, he still can’t think of a better nickname.) but eventually he grows weary of it. taeyong and yuta had wrapped up their honeymoon phase, and lately all they seemed capable of doing was bickering. a bright side, he thinks, to johnny cruelly dumping sooyoung in a fit of laughter is that it’s one less couple he has to listen to. 

“why did they break up?” he interjects, as soon as he finds a lull in taeyong and yuta’s argument. taeyong’s voice softens.

“they hadn’t had sex yet- which is fine.” taeyong adds the last part quickly, likely because the former section of the sentence was delivered in a particularly _scandalous_ tone, and jaehyun predicts yuta had already given taeyong the ‘at his own pace’ talk. “apparently sooyoung tried to seduce him, and he got all awkward and laughed at her and dumped her.”

“sounding more and more like nervous laughter to me.” yuta sighs in a cloud of smoke.

“he doesn’t feel guilty about it.” taeyong counters. “he really thinks it was the right thing to do. and like, maybe it was, but not like _that._ sooyoung was a total wreck. she was crying so hard-”

“since when were you so close with sooyoung?” asks jaehyun, and yuta shoots him an exasperated look.

“since johnny wouldn’t give him the details.” he says, flatly.

“my point _was.”_ taeyong presses. “turns out, at the end of the day, john suh is still a man.” 

yuta laughs, but jaehyun just scratches his head, unsure of how to parse the entire situation. why would johnny dump his girlfriend of a year because she wanted to have sex? if he wasn’t ready, sooyoung didn’t seem like the type of person who would push him into doing anything. 

“why did he think it was the right thing?” asks jaehyun. taeyong tells them that he doesn’t know, but then yuta sighs from his nose, as if he’s finally been worn down. (nobody has asked him anything, jaehyun thinks in amusement.)

“i was sworn to secrecy.” yuta says. that’s what yuta tends to say before telling someone’s secrets. “but he told me he’d been having feelings for someone else.” 

taeyong immediately launches into investigation mode, but for some reason, the revelation only makes jaehyun regret turning down that draw. 

* * *

**IX.**

“mind if i sit here?” 

jaehyun looks up to see a face that looks as nervous as he feels. first day of high school was a big deal; a whole new cast of faces to get used to. it was exciting, of course, because for one year only, he’d be attending the same school as his only friends. by the end of the year, they’d go off to university and he’d be alone again, but he was pointedly trying to ignore that. 

jaehyun had gone through the latter part of elementary school and the majority of middle school alone. he was fairly used to it by now; although he was an open and friendly person, he just struggled to make friends with the kids in his class. most of them knew him to be gay, for a start, because yuta’s accidental outing all those years ago had spread like wildfire, and jaehyun had never been able to live it down. everyone somehow just _knew._ and nobody really wanted to be friends with the gay kid- the boys were scared they’d catch it from him and the girls were more interested in befriending eachother. 

“you must be new.” jaehyun says, and the boy staring down at him, sharp features yet a soft face, quirks an eyebrow. he takes the second seat at jaehyun’s desk, clearly losing all interest in waiting for permission.

“aren’t we all new?” the boy asks. jaehyun supposes it _is_ the first day of school. 

“new to the area, i mean.” he says with a shrug, trying to look occupied enough with rearranging his pencil case that the other kid would stop trying to talk to him. it’s not that he doesn’t want to meet somebody new, but boys at school didn’t ever really seem fond of being _nice_ to him, and he wasn’t going to sit around and wait for this guy to catch on to who he is and reject his friendship too. 

“well, yeah, actually. i just moved here from gyeonggi. i’m dongyoung.” he says, with a toothy smile. it’s a little awkward, and there’s a nerve in his eyes that gives jaehyun the feeling that dongyoung isn’t all that confident in talking to people, that he was forcing himself to make a friend. jaehyun had built defenses, sure, but he never said they were hard to pull down. 

“nice to meet you, dongyoung.” he says, giving his best comforting smile. johnny had always said there was something calming about jaehyun. “i’m jaehyun.” 

their first teacher of the day shows up fifteen minutes late, and in those fifteen minutes, jaehyun learns a lot about dongyoung; because he moved schools, he was sitting the first year of high school for a second time- so really, he was a year older. he was a big fan of music, liked to do things that jaehyun found impressive (read obscure books, watch foreign movies, make art; hobbies that jaehyun almost felt jealous of.) and then, dongyoung tells a story about an ex, uses a male pronoun, and eyes jaehyun anxiously. jaehyun smiles the smile of kinship. 

* * *

**X.**

“is that yuta’s blood?” 

“gross, i hope not.” 

they’re sitting on the staircase at the park, and there are little splashes of brown still lingering underneath the railing. jaehyun eyes it with disgust- regardless of who’s blood it was, he doesn’t like the fact that he’s near it. 

“i swear it is. this is exactly where he fell off his skateboard.” johnny says, a finger tracing over one of the tiny little speckles. jaehyun makes a noise of visceral disgust. “oh, relax!”

“why would you touch it?” jaehyun asks with a shiver, and johnny laughs at him, shaking his head. it’s probably not yuta’s blood. it’s been several years by now, after all, and it rained pretty heavily the night yuta fell. although, jaehyun’s not sure that the blood belonging to a stranger actually makes it any better at all. 

it feels like it’s been a century since jaehyun had last gotten to just hang out with johnny like this. jaehyun had filled his head with the romantic idea that his first year of high school, despite being johnny, yuta, and taeyong’s last, would be what he always envisioned high school to be- something like an american drama, all wild parties and illegal substances and hormones running rampant; dangerous fun, awkward sex and murky feelings. he thought that his life would finally feel interesting. instead, it was day after day of hanging out on taeyong’s floor, watching him study or listening to him talk about university applications and yuta and yuta’s university applications. and when it wasn’t, it was going to the movies with dongyoung to see boring films purely because of their accolades, feeling lame because he’d rather go watch spider-man swinging around new york city than any of the intellectual cinema dongyoung takes interest in. yes they were poignant, touching, deep and thought provoking, he was _sure_ it was art, providing south korea with invaluable levels of culture. but it wasn’t men in skintight spandex. 

johnny had been the busiest of all. taeyong’s natural talent saw him sail through his art school portfolio, and yuta never seemed to be particularly stressed out ever, even though his grades seemed to suddenly take a sharp incline to what he needed to get accepted onto the psychology course he was interested in. (the ease with which yuta got his shit together had driven the others insane; jaehyun had been open ear to many a rant about it from both taeyong and johnny) but johnny had spent much of his school years focusing more on sports than academics, and his family had suddenly began placing an impossible pressure on him to be accepted into a top tier university. it’s almost weird to see him like this, with no books around, no stress on his handsome face, broad shoulders relaxed. to jaehyun, it had felt like johnny had studied for five months straight. 

finals came and went, though, and everyone got what they wanted. and while that was amazing, and jaehyun was so immeasurably happy and proud of his friends, it also meant they would be leaving. taeyong would be studying in seoul, at least, but yuta and jaehyun had both been accepted into the same university in busan. and really, the distance wasn’t awful; it could even still be a daytrip, but being in different cities feels like a death sentence. jaehyun is terrified that as all his friends grow up and become adults without him, he’ll be left behind, a closed chapter in their lives. 

and so, the cool air of seoul’s evening as their backdrop, johnny had asked to see jaehyun alone, an hour before his and yuta’s leaving party. just him. jaehyun can’t help but worry it’s a final goodbye. ‘it’s been cool, jaehyun, but lose my number,’ he fears johnny will say. ‘best to just rip the band-aid off, right?’ 

“can i tell you a secret?” is what johnny really asks. jaehyun furrows his eyebrows.

“of course.” 

“so. you remember the sooyoung thing, right?” johnny asks. jaehyun is taken back to yuta’s room, the smell of tobacco lingering in the air, a weird feeling of bitter relief. he nods his head yes, and johnny carries on. “i liked sooyoung a lot. but like, she wanted things i didn’t want, and i guess they were things you’re probably supposed to want when you’re in a relationship.”

“like what?” asks jaehyun; partly because he’s not sure how much he’s supposed to know about the situation, but mainly because he’d never actually heard johnny talk about it. after he and sooyoung had broken up, it was as if they’d never been together in the first place. 

“like sex.” johnny says, in a casual way that’s too casual. jaehyun has known johnny for long enough now to know when he’s pretending not to be nervous. 

“i mean.” jaehyun scratches his eyebrow with his pinky, trying to think of how yuta would word this. “you don’t necessarily _need_ to want to have sex. it’s not, like-”

“you sound like yuta.” johnny interrupts with a laugh. jaehyun laughs too.

“i’m sorry. but it’s true.”

“i know. and i gave that some serious thought, too, like, am i asexual? but i don’t think it’s that. i want to have sex, i just don’t want it to be for the sake of having sex. and i really liked sooyoung, but sometimes i’d look at you and taeyong, and how affectionate you guys get, and i’d think to myself, ‘they’re more like a couple than best friends sometimes,’ and then i’d be like… fuck. sooyoung and i are more like _friends_ than a couple. not even best friends. just kids in the same class.” 

jaehyun’s quiet for a second, unsure of what to say, unsure why johnny’s opening up about this now or what exactly he’s trying to tell him. “so… the secret is that you’ve never had sex before?” he asks, carefully. 

johnny shrugs. “in a way. but it’s not just that. i didn’t like… kiss her, either. and i haven’t kissed anybody before.” 

that takes jaehyun off guard. “really?” he asks, before he can stop himself. johnny shrugs, looking away, and jaehyun feels a little guilty. it wasn’t like he judged him or anything, but he can’t help feeling surprised. johnny was an incredibly handsome guy, with the type of lips that it’s impossible to look at and not imagine kissing. right? he sighs, scratching the back of his ear; and decides to comfort johnny with a confession of his own, although it makes him blush to admit it; “well, for what it’s worth, i haven’t kissed anybody either.” 

johnny’s head snaps to look at jaehyun, who gives a shrug of his own. 

they sit in silence for a few seconds, jaehyun’s elbows resting against the stair behind him, head tipping backwards to stare at the empty seoul sky, any type of star drowned out by street lamps and pollution. a few minutes pass, or maybe one stretches out like a few, but johnny eventually breaks the silence regardless. 

“anyway, i kind of wanted to ask you for a favour.” he says. for some reason, jaehyun begins to feel a little nervous; as though a part of him knows what’s coming and is refusing to tell the rest. “if that’s okay, i mean.”

jaehyun looks at johnny, face serious, and thinks to himself that he’d do just about anything for him. it’s an intense thought to have, and one he’s scared to voice, so instead he just says; “what’s up?”

“i don’t want to start university without my first kiss.” he says, looking at jaehyun with telltale eyes, begging him not to make him ask the rest of the question. jaehyun understands loud and clear anyway. 

he shivers from a shot of nerves. johnny wants to kiss him, and he thinks he’s happy about that. but he’s also kind of disappointed- why? something deep inside of him twists, and he thinks again. johnny wants to kiss him not because he wants to kiss him, but because he just wants to kiss _someone._ that’s not how jaehyun wanted it. and also. jaehyun didn’t know he wanted it. “why me?” he asks, to stall for time and because he really needs to know. 

“taeyong would probably get upset if i asked yuta.” johnny shrugged. “and i don’t want anything to do with taeyong’s mouth after we walked in on him eating yuta’s a-“

“okay.” jaehyun says quickly, raising his hands. that’s the last memory he wants to relive in this moment of confusion. he’d never dared to walk into taeyong’s bedroom without knocking again. after the shock wears off though, he processes johnny’s words, and they sting a little. “so i’m just the last choice.”

“no, jaehyun.” johnny says, shaking his head. he looks jaehyun deep in the eyes, in that way he does, the way that comforts jaehyun to the core. everything racing around in his mind calms down, everything feels better. “you’re the only choice that feels _right.”_

jaehyun is quiet, and then he nods his head. johnny’s finger and thumb hook under his chin, pulling him inwards gently. jaehyun flickers his eyes closed, breath hitching in his throat, and when their lips meet, it feels like destiny fulfilled. johnny lets the kiss linger, soft and chaste, although their lips move slowly in rhythm. jaehyun hasn’t even figured out what to do with his hands yet when johnny pulls away, looking at him with gentle eyes, his charming smile small and subtle but heavily there.

how perfect, jaehyun thinks, but god these circumstances fucking suck.

* * *

**XI.**

jaehyun sits across from taeyong at some seoul café, and he can’t help but think about barbie dolls. taeyong would always be jaehyun’s best friend, but that stops being as big a deal when you’re not kids anymore. jaehyun’s eighteen now, which means that taeyong is twenty. ten years since they first met, and a lot happens in ten years. for one, best friend becomes second most important, after boyfriend. jaehyun had accepted the backseat to yuta years ago, but now the ring on taeyong’s finger makes it feel like he’s in a whole other vehicle.

“we’re not going to get married till after graduation.” taeyong affirms, hand curled under his chin. “or even till after we start living comfortably. if we need to just have a ceremony and make believe it’s legally binding, i want it to be the most extravagant ceremony ever thrown.”

jaehyun smiles fondly. “i’m so happy for you guys.” he says sincerely. and he does mean it. taeyong and yuta belong together. were it any other couple, jaehyun would be skeptic of an engagement at twenty years old, but taeyong and yuta were anything but a regular couple- they’d been planning their life together since they were kids. still. as he swirls the straw around his milkshake, he can’t help but feel a little lonely.

“what about you?” asks taeyong. jaehyun blinks.

“i mean… yeah, i probably won’t get married till after graduation either?” 

taeyong laughs. “no, i mean, are you seeing anybody yet?”

jaehyun feels himself deflate a little. this again. “no.” he says simply, occupying himself with trying to suck the thick liquid though his flimsy paper straw. turtles, he knows, but sometimes he misses plastic.

“still crushing on johnny?” taeyong asks. jaehyun chokes.

“what?” he asks, shaking his head. “don’t be stupid. when did i ever crush on johnny?”

taeyong looks at him as if he’s grown an extra head. “uh.” his voice is pointed, and jaehyun’s mind starts racing. “your entire life?”

jaehyun stutters a few disconnected syllables and then falls into silence. had he been crushing on johnny his entire life? something rings out inside him and tells him _obviously,_ but as large a part of him tells him not to be stupid. johnny likes girls. johnny doesn’t like boys like that, he doesn’t even like to see taeyong and yuta kiss. (he doesn’t like to see _anybody_ kiss, he argues with himself.) jaehyun loves himself too much to spend his life pining after his straight friend. (johnny kissed you, he argues with himself.) johnny had only kissed him for practice. (johnny chose you, he argues with himself.) 

“anyway…” taeyong says, syllables drawn out, as the silence begins to swell and jaehyun starts falling down a rabbit hole of his own repressed emotions. “how’re your finals going?”

* * *

**XII.**

kissing dongyoung isn’t quite the same.

jaehyun knows that dongyoung has experience, but all that does is highlight the lack of his own. they’re on jaehyun’s bed, dongyoung atop him, his legs wrapped around dongyoung’s waist, and jaehyun is fumbling. he feels like he’s doing it wrong, a frustrated panic building in his chest as the kiss persists. dongyoung is being patient, keeps whispering to jaehyun to relax, telling him it’s okay, asking him if he wants to stop. but jaehyun is embarrassed and he’s determined to be good at it, determined to feel what he felt when johnny kissed him.

he raises his hips, pressing them flush against dongyoung’s- nothing. neither of them are hard, jaehyun knows that neither of them will _get_ hard, and he breaks the kiss, head falling against the pillow with a frustrated sigh.

“jaehyun.” says dongyoung gently, pushing jaehyun’s bangs from his face. he looks down at him in a comforting way; and jaehyun has the nerve to feel condescended by it. “did you want to kiss me because you’re into me, or is it just because we’re the only two gay kids and you think this is what we should be doing?” 

and that’s the most embarrassing part. jaehyun had started this. he sighs, his legs falling back down to the mattress, dongyoung rolling off him, laying on his side beside him and looking at him expectantly. jaehyun had invited him over to study, and he’d been leading the conversation to dangerous territories all night, flirting blatantly, until he’d finally just asked dongyoung to kiss him flat out. he looks at dongyoung, feeling himself blush in shame. 

“i don’t know. i’m sorry.” jaehyun buries his face in his hands, exhaling harshly. and he feels like a piece of shit, because he knows he was planning to use dongyoung, the only friend he gets to see on a regular basis anymore. “fuck, i’m sorry. you don’t deserve this.”

dongyoung hushes him, pushing his arm under jaehyun’s shoulders and pulling him close, his pointed chin resting atop jaehyun’s thick hair. “it’s okay, jaehyun.” he says softly. “we’re better as friends anyway.”

* * *

**XIII.**

jaehyun is still eighteen, but he’s finished high school, and he’s been listening to yuta making ungodly noises for the better part of an hour. 

not purposefully, of course, but he can’t help it. he lays on the couch on yuta and johnny’s living room, dongyoung on a makeshift bed of cushions and blankets on the floor beside him. jaehyun looks at dongyoung, who’s deep in peaceful slumber, in envy. he wishes he could sleep. he’s already sobered up from the buzz of his first ever _university party_. fatigue grips him, and all he wants to do is sleep for the better part of the next day. a concept made difficult, of course, by the bedroom on the other side of the wall. and yuta’s apparent delusion that his walls are soundproof. and taeyong’s long-distance-relationship aggression. jaehyun pulls the pillow tightly around his ears, but he can still hear them, as if he’s in the room with them. god.

he thinks they must go at it for forty five more minutes. (damn, taeyong, he thinks.) before things finally come to an end in a string of twin noises that will leave jaehyun traumatised for the rest of his life. but at least they’re done, he thinks. it’s when he’s finally feeling himself drift off to sleep that he hears yuta’s giggled whisper turn into a high pitched whine that jaehyun realises he’s stupid to think they’d settle for one round. “fuck this.” he mutters. 

he steps over dongyoung, careful not to stir him awake, and flees the living room, blanket wrapped around his waist to protect his modesty- he’d kept his shirt and underwear on, but had shed his skinny jeans after a matter of minutes, as they were far too uncomfortable to attempt sleeping in. casting a disgruntled glance towards yuta’s bedroom door, where things are beginning to heat up once more (but why is it fainter in the hall?) he turns the knob to johnny’s, peaking his head in. 

from underneath the sheets, there’s the illuminated glow of a phone screen. jaehyun smiles in victory. “johnny.” he whispers. the bedsheets move, and johnny sits up, pulling the sheets from over his head. he’s shirtless, is the first thing jaehyun realises, and then he realises that his hair is all tousled from the bed. it’s cute. jaehyun grins. “taeyong and yuta are keeping me awake. can i sleep in your bed?” 

it’s dark, but jaehyun can see a flustered expression on johnny’s face. “one sec.” he says quietly, pulling his sheets tightly around his waist. he leans down and picks something off of the floor, before diving back under the sheets. jaehyun is confused for a second, and then he realises it was underwear, and oh. and now it’s his turn to feel flustered. 

he turns away despite the fact that johnny is hidden from view, and after a second or two, he hears johnny’s laugh. “okay. get in.” he says.

johnny is holding his sheets open, and jaehyun gets an eyeful of johnny’s toned torso. it’s nothing he hasn’t already seen, they’d been swimming together, had countless amounts of sleepovers, showered together, even. but he still feels the heat rising in him as he settles down in bed. he keeps his back turned to johnny, for security reasons, but johnny’s arm wraps around his waist and pulls him close to him. fuck, he thinks. 

taeyong is never wrong. 

* * *

**XIV.**

jaehyun’s sitting in a lecture theatre, and he’s trying his best to listen to everything, but all he can think about is how lonely he is. 

it was a pipe dream to imagine he and dongyoung would be accepted into the same universities. of course they’d go their separate ways, although at least they’re both still in seoul. they’d agreed to keep hold of their tradition to see a movie every weekend, but dongyoung had cancelled last saturday. jaehyun is a deeply dramatic person, and so it’s difficult to not assume the worst. 

and here he is. new school, no friends. starting again. 

‘i miss you.’ he texts to taeyong. minutes pass, no response. well, he thinks, taeyong will be in class.

‘i miss you.’ he texts to dongyoung, and then the same to yuta. minutes pass, no response. they’re _all_ in class, he reasons with himself, it’s just past 10am on a monday.

‘i miss you.’ he texts to johnny.

seconds pass. 

‘miss you too.’ johnny responds.

* * *

**XV.**

chuseok is always a little overwhelming. jaehyun’s mom gets all stressed out and then his dad gets irritated because she’s all stressed out, and both of them inevitably channel that into nagging him. like any holiday, the nice parts, like dinner, are perfect, but there’s a whole lot of tension leading up to them and plenty private little moments where you secretly wish it was all just over for the year. jaehyun had found himself in that state a lot over this break- but maybe that’s just being nineteen. maybe he’s just too old for it to be fun anymore.

the good thing, though, is that it’s one of very few times where everyone comes home at once. jaehyun can’t put into words how nice this moment feels, sitting on his bed with yuta’s head in his lap, johnny sitting at the desk. it feels like old times again. not least because, as he runs his fingers through yuta’s hair (he’s grown it past his shoulders now, and though jaehyun’s mom had playfully asked him when he was going to be cutting it, it looks good on him) yuta makes a noise halfway between a whine and a sob. 

“why did we think this would be a good idea?” he asks, pitifully. “it’s like the unstoppable force versus the unmovable object. someone is going to _die_ before this holiday is over.”

a date had been set for the wedding next year. as the lee and nakamoto families would be joint in holy matrimony, it was time that they started coming together as one. that is to say, taeyong’s family had invited yuta’s to celebrate chuseok with them. 

“don’t take this the wrong way.” johnny says. “but i’m surprised your family even celebrate a korean holiday.”

“they _don’t_ .” yuta exclaims, a hand falling to his forehead. “we’ve never celebrated it before! and yet my mom keeps trying to give mrs lee _advice._ i’m not going to make it out of this alive.” 

“hey, when you all sit down at the dinner table, it’ll be worth it.” jaehyun promises. “and if it’s not, at least it’ll be over soon.”

“that’s not even the worst part.” yuta steamrolls on. he pushes himself up into sitting position with a huff. perhaps jaehyun would normally be annoyed at someone ignoring his consolation in favour of continuing to complain, but he can tell yuta needs to vent. “last night my dad sat me down- me, a twenty one year old who’s engaged to be married, and tried to give me the _talk._ ” 

“the talk like-?” johnny begins.

“the talk as in, the talk he should have given me when i was like _thirteen._ ” confirms yuta. “he started talking to me about the importance of safe sex. me! as if we’re going to have a fucking pregnancy scare or something.”

jaehyun cringes. “well.” he tries to rationalise, but he can’t. in defence of yuta’s dad, he supposed it must be strange to watch your child grow up and get married. “well, contraception isn’t only to prevent pregnancies?” 

yuta looks at him blankly. “i’ve only ever slept with one person in my entire life, jaehyun.” he says. “i lost my virginity to him, he lost his virginity to me, and neither of us have ever had sex with anybody else. i think it’s fair that we save our money when it comes to buying rubbers.” 

“is that what you told your dad?” johnny asks with a smirk. yuta groans as if he’s in physical pain.

“i wish.” he says, hanging his head. “i tried to lie to appease him, but. oh god. even thinking about it makes me want to die.” 

“it’s that bad?” jaehyun asks, half laughing. he’s used to yuta’s dramatics by now. 

“i told him taeyong always wore a condom.” there's a beat. jaehyun doesn’t get it, and johnny doesn’t seem to either. yuta speaks with more force. “i told him. don’t worry dad. whenever we have sex, _taeyong always wears a condom._ ”

jaehyun still takes a few moments, but then he understands. “oh my god.” he says, stifling a laugh. johnny seems to catch on too, although he has a harder time hiding his snicker. 

“what father _wouldn’t_ be filled with pride?” yuta sighs. jaehyun pats his back. 

“there are worse things you could be than a bottom, yuta.” he says, comfortingly. when johnny laughs, jaehyun fixes him with a glare.

eventually, the topic switches. jaehyun talks about his classes, yuta contemplates new hair colours, johnny asks questions, always genuinely interested in his friends, always genuinely listening. yuta’s phone rings; a panicked taeyong relays a new development in the family drama loud enough for jaehyun to hear, and yuta excuses himself with one final look of dread. 

“if you don’t hear from me in the next few days, i’m either dead or i’ve run away back to japan.” he promises solemnly, closing jaehyun’s bedroom door behind him. 

“that must be what adulthood looks like.” johnny laments with a smirk. jaehyun shakes his head.

“nah. those two are outliers in every possible way.” 

johnny nods in agreement. silence falls over them for a while, in the comfortable way it always does. they don’t need words. they never have. “i hope i’m as happy as them one day.” johnny says after a while, voice small, far away. 

“yeah.” jaehyun sighs. “me too.” 

* * *

**XVI.**

“why don’t you just ask him out?” dongyoung asks, on a bus ride home from the movie theatre one saturday. it’s so simple that jaehyun almost feels angry. 

“i can’t just ask him out.” he scoffs, a dismissive handwave at its tail. dongyoung rolls his eyes. 

“why not?”

jaehyun opens his mouth to answer; but he doesn’t have one. 

* * *

**XVII.**

taeyong had promised a beautiful wedding, and he’d made good on it.

though he and yuta couldn’t legally sign any papers, they could still have a symbolic ceremony. the venue had been decorated to look like something out of a fairytale. jaehyun had gotten choked up when he entered; and when the two of them walked down the aisle arm in arm, he couldn’t hold back his tears if he tried. 

(boys don’t cry, the version of his dad that lives in his brain tells him. jaehyun doesn’t worry about it. a gay wedding is the last place he should be worrying about what boys are to expected to do.) 

it’s all beautiful and emotional and perfect, and jaehyun watches two men he’s known his whole life promise themselves to one another for eternity. he knows that they mean it. sometimes he wishes his friends hadn’t set such a perfect example of what love should be, but today he’s just happy for them. he watches taeyong take yuta’s face in his hands as they seal the deal with a kiss, and he chokes out a sob. and when he, taeyong, yuta and johnny gather for a photograph by the altar, he pulls taeyong to the side and gives him a hug.

“nobody deserves this more than you.” jaehyun tells him, and taeyong gives him a teary eyed smile, too choked up to respond.

* * *

**XVIII.**

no wedding is without an afterparty. 

jaehyun is drinking alone. it’s not as sad as it sounds. dongyoung had excused himself to go to the bathroom about half an hour ago; and jaehyun can see him across the room, locked in conversation with jungwoo, a friend of taeyong’s from university. jaehyun purses his lips, tracing his index finger around the rim of his glass. he’s trying not to feel so lonely. he sees a spark in dongyoung’s eyes as he tells a joke and jungwoo’s head falls back in laughter, and jaehyun would be very happy for dongyoung were he to find love. he really would. it would just make him feel even lonelier.

“what are you doing alone?” asks a voice behind him. jaehyun doesn’t need to turn around, he’d recognise it anywhere. once more, he’s impressed by johnny’s sixth sense.

“i was waiting for dongyoung.” jaehyun says as johnny sits down at the table next to him. “but he found a pretty boy instead.” 

johnny laughs. “ah, well. humans have a universal weakness after all.”

jaehyun scoffs. “what do you know about pretty boys?” he asks teasingly. 

johnny doesn’t answer straight away. jaehyun looks away from his glass to find him staring straight at him. he raises an eyebrow, and johnny shakes his head.

“just that you’re the prettiest one i know.” he says, too casual to be casual. jaehyun finds himself growing flustered again. he pulls his eyes away from johnny’s, turning to the dance floor, where yuta and taeyong dance in one another’s arms, outshining every fellow couple on the floor surrounding them. 

“shut up.” he mutters. johnny teasing him isn’t what he needs right now. “don’t make fun of me.”

jaehyun feels johnny shift in the chair next to him. he feels johnny’s hand rest next to his, his thumb running softly along the ligaments of his hand. he turns to face him again, confused, breath catching in his throat. this is a cruel joke, he thinks, or johnny is wasted, or something. but johnny flashes him a gentle smile.

it comforts him. it always has.

“i’m not.” says johnny, getting a little serious. the tone of voice is familiar to jaehyun, and he remembers when he was eleven and when johnny was thirteen, and johnny had asked him “what about m-” before being interrupted. he wonders if his mom hadn’t walked in, had johnny finished the sentence and jaehyun had told him the truth, would it be them at the altar exchanging their vows by now? jaehyun looks at johnny, deeply, and johnny doesn’t flinch. dongyoung’s suggestion springs to mind.

“take me on a date then.” he says, before he can stop himself.

“okay,” johnny says.

“okay.” jaehyun says. 

* * *

**XIX.**

jaehyun is twenty one, and he wakes up to the smell of breakfast. he doesn’t bother dressing as he gets out of bed, though he winces as he stands up, sore from the previous night. he laughs a little at the wobble of his knees. 

“we must be doing something right.” he mutters.

“huh?” johnny calls from the kitchen. jaehyun shuffles down the hallway of johnny’s apartment, previously shared with yuta, and finds johnny standing in the doorway of the kitchen, whisking something in a bowl, already half dressed for work. 

“nothing.” jaehyun says, leaning up onto his tiptoes to press a kiss to johnny’s cheek. “what’s the occasion? you never have breakfast.”

“it’s not for me.” johnny says, turning back to prepare the meal. “you have an interview today, right?” 

“oh, right.” jaehyun says, leaning against the counter. he’d forgotten in the morning haze, but he’d been nervous ever since he’d gotten the email. he’d never had a real job before, but if he was going to be living with johnny in busan, he didn’t want to depend on his parents any longer. “i don’t think they’ll hi-” he begins, but johnny stops what he’s doing to silence him with a kiss. 

when he pulls away, they lock eyes. johnny gives him an encouraging smile with a thumbs up, and something about it comforts jaehyun to the core.

**Author's Note:**

> taeyong and yuta are the true stars of this story and also. it was not originally supposed to span 14 years dfjhfhf. originally it was supposed to end in smut but idk, it didn't need it, and i felt like i would have been writing it just to write it. i wanted to write something kind of sweet though, and about growing up. it's more about growing up than it is about love really sdhdfh
> 
> i hope you guys liked this! i'd really appreciate a comment if you did!


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